Plastic-ine

T-H-I-N-K-I-N-G

Thoughts are funny things. One moment you could be thinking about a funny joke someone said the previous night and next you are treading on a world of highly emotional thoughts without so much as a blink of the eye. It is a miracle that I somehow keep sane with all that rushes in my mind but then again with such a masterpiece as the brain, I can only be humbled by what it has to deal with each day.

Have you ever felt that if people found out what you thought, you could be possibly be 'hung'? Not in the sense where someone would place your neck in a noose and leave you to die but in a modern sense of lynching, condemned by the utmost scorn and uppity expressions that are plastered over their blackened moral masks. I guess its a pity we don't have the courage to be able to word out the thoughts in our mind for the fear of realising a reality that shouldn't be happening. Its like when people still refuse to believe in global warming (or that Liverpool is the best EPL team) that you understand that denial in itself is one of the largest obstacles and as long as they believe in that denial, there will be no moment of realisation - no moment of truth. I would say I wouldn't want to be once of those people but I know in my way, that I do cringe at saying things loud. Its the fear of the realisation that maybe people aren't true or that what you thought made you whole was actually missing all this time. But in writing this, I hope to have broken some of that denial down because this is probably a step in the right direction. It will come when one day I will probably be able to accept the truth as it is but till then, I will have to keep chipping away, tossing out the broken pieces, rearranging the ones which will last until I find myself in a place where I can accept.

It may take half a year, several years or a lifetime but if we are striving for something better than perhaps... it is something worth doing? I don't know. I can't answer these questions but I can try.

A pocket full of posies.

its over... will I pass?

I'm feeling damn insecure... sigh~ This has never happened to me.. not even for the Stats paper or the Physics one. I used to always feel secure in my Bio subjects - now... its driving me crazy. I need to think about other things like Bangkok and Sydney and Zara and seeing friends back home and watching movies and seeing the world cup and ... yeah, the list goes on. Please, please take my mind off that particular thing.

a different Friday night??

This morning I woke up feeling like I shouldn't concentrate on the parts of my life which were a bit unsavoury and this blog is certainly becoming such a pit-hole of whiny thoughts that I even shudder when I read it T_T. So, I thought I would blog about something more fun and happening then what's been already written.

Yep, yep. So yesterday was Friday night. Or as Grace usually says "FRIDAY NIGHT" which means in our vocab ,dinner night but more fun? Lol. But yeah, so we had our dinner at Dessert House and oddly enough didn't order the deep fried calamari with fried rice but instead got the yong tau fu =) because I thought I was feeling a bit heaty so didn't want to risk it before the exam. I didn't realise how crowded the restaurant gets even on a Friday night which kind of puzzled me but then its cheap-ish and tasty food so I can't complain. There were really large tables as well with like10 people and it was obvious that they were squeezing us in like sardines when the top floor started looking more like canteen tables than an actual restaurant. But it was all good especially once I got started on my food and mmmilk tea~~ =) yum!

After dinner and the usual "can you get change for all of us and ask them to split up the change?" scenario, we headed back in the general direction of home but it was the kind of walk that could be classified as dawdling or erm.. ok, lets face it - it was the epitome of procrastination. SOME people wanted to "work" at some place - some kind of shop was it? T_T But the less alco-addicted of us wanted to head somewhere we could just sit and talk without having our heads in. =) So we decided on Koko Black and hoped to high heavens that we could get a seat there especially since (if I haven't emphasised enough already) it was a Friday night.

You would think that a walk there would really have nothing much to talk about. But it was seriously crazy.. One moment we were walking down Swanston and then suddenly two of us wanted to have a fight! All Black One was shouting "fight, fight, fight" while thinking about the popcorn he left at home whilst those hot-headed friends of mine tried to 1-2 each other. To say the least, it was an unsatisfying match - demand a re-match please!! =)

Oddly enough, we did find a seat at Koko and apparently it was a "happening" seat so some people were quite high about that although they were deciding on just getting baby chino or whatever it was. T_T~ You know, to think back about the night it was amazing we did talk about stuff in between all that fighting, black & white filming, licking spoons and science sugar experiments - but we did! And it was all about sepiloks, chicken shooing, backstreet boys, meteor garden, how hot Mike He is, sultans of Malaysia(?), who drives better and how unsatisfying JJ Lin's concert was. Random huh... Lol - but it happened. And we kind of had a mini generation music talk where some of us realised how old we really were. But you know at the end of it, it felt really good to have this kind of laid-back night just filled with talk, nonsense and laughter. I think its been a long time since we had this kind of thing because usually its all about drinking and clubbing and what not. Haha - to think this is the kind of night I have just because of exams? Anyways, next Friday will be entirely different I'm guessing what with camp just around the corner and an important Bra vs. Por match being played that night. Let's see what happens =)

You know... it isn't easy being who you are. And having to feel your "disadvantage" being played to its utmost strength hurts. I understand that its difficult to approach and the awkwardness tells me as much but really... if you really cared, you wouldn't treat me the way you do. I don't know, I guess it was either that I expected too much or didn't think about it too much when it started.




To think I was stupid enough to think it wouldn't affect me.

crap

I have the conscious understanding that I am screwed for MCB.










.....great.....

chin-up!

Gyah!! Blogging seems necessary and inevitable without facebook but to tell you the truth, Twitter has been keeping me sane these past few weeks only because I think I am more of a twitter-er than a facebook-er. I mean, looking at photos and seeing how people are linked to whom or finding someone you haven't seen in a long time is all good and all but sometimes I think enough is enough. No matter how much you look at people, they won't sprout wings or grow fangs so I guess that doesn't excite me anymore. Although, if people did turn into leprechauns overnight or turned an alien martian colour, I would forever be fascinated by the events on facebook.

Its Wednesday - and I have an exam tomorrow. I should be studying avidly like the reputation that is given to the supposed nerd-crazed Biomedders but I think I somehow missed out on that gene. Maybe I have a mutant gene. Either that or it was in one of my X-chromosomes which somehow got silenced - its in a Barr body somewhere... I'm pretty sure of it. Although, that suggests that I am "tabby" for the nerd gene which somehow doesn't seem right. I guess its recessive then.. T_T~ Sigh... I feel crap knowing that I didn't put the effort I should have in this semester especially since I knew I was falling back each time I sat for one of the mid-semester tests. Why did I become this way? Why have I become someone who puts 'play' as a priority over work even in the face of sure suffering? I think its time I change my ways. Its all good to have fun but when fun intrudes on the rest of life, I need to rethink where I am and where I am going to. Maybe I need to shake off the bad influences on me. I was thinking recently that I need to be less selfless - its not good, but I have to make before I give, I can actually give.

You know what? I'm going to have a mid-year resolution. Sorry world - you're going to see less of me. I need to find limits and I better find it fast before I realise I have wasted 3 years of my life to get nothing out of it. Its time to grow up and identify what is actually good in my life and what is wasting me away. I apologise in advance if an area in my life is disposed off but you see, its a game of survival out there. Cat eat dog? Hhhmm~~

Anways, enough of my musings - time to see the Portugal vs. Cote d'Ivoire game.. it seems pretty aggressive!! (>_<)

"Story-telling Time"

Today, I 'met' a woman with a mission. She reminded me of one of those characters out of a chick lit book where despite hating her personality, you can't help but want to read more simply because she is so warped and twisted, that it actually makes her interesting. The irony of course being that one could never imagine something fictional materialising in reality - it is actually uncanny how much alike this person is to those depicted in fiction. Maybe it is because I have not had the chance to encounter such a character that I am surprisingly intrigued by her actions and her whimsical charms. So much so, that I would stand-by and observe this intricate dance of refreshing humanity just to satisfy my curiosity of that satirical world. There aren't many opportunities where people can peek into the lives of others and for a life as colourful as hers, it is certainly a rare find.

In all honesty, I have to admit that on the first occasion that I had met her, I was mesmerised. Of course at that time, I didn't realise the chameleon-like layers that lay behind that sweet smile but even so, I would be telling a lie if I did not say that she had a magnetic personality that attracted both guys and girls alike to her. She sat regally at the table, as though holding court, a beautific but yet slightly impish smile plastered on her face as she passed her glance (and judgement) over the people she would soon use as pawns on her chessboard. If one could read her mind, it would be a flurry of wheels turning at an alarming speed; her mental cognition was a sign of what was to come later.

delusional disillusions

She kneels on the floor, head bowed as the tears fall down her scarred face. Partially hidden by the shadows of the room, she takes slight comfort offered by the cloth of darkness encapsulating her. Shame and guilt mark her features, wrecking the innocence from her young face. She cries not only for herself but for the world that dealt her this hand of cards.

Her tattered thoughts hang precariously over the edge of insanity; one push and she will be lost forever. Looking up, she brings her haunted gaze on the wall in front of her and begins humming a tuneless song; its eerie dissonance calling out to the darkest souls.

straight ::: up

Crazy, crazy nights. There are things about crazy nights because as fun as they are at that moment in time, why is it that on those days after, we cringe at the thoughts of the incredibly crazily stupid things we did then? Alcohol-induced thoughts are so susceptible to thoughtless acts I think there should be a graph out there showing its positive correlation. Repeating words, saying things that don't make sense, doing things you wouldn't do sober, falling down, laughing hysterically are all signs of a big night out but when you think about the fall-backs experienced the day after, whether be that the embarrassment that accompanies it or the throbbing ache in your head - is it worth it? I haven't as yet come to this conclusion but I am guessing with the vast majority of uni students experiencing it over their weekends, or heavens forbid, weekdays, there must be some kind of answer. Even if it is a subjective one.

My days coming up in March seem to be packed with events and things I should be doing and going for. When I decided to update my diary calendar today, I was pretty shocked to see that the page was considerably full with times, dates and short descriptions of what the events were. Don't misinterpret me into thinking that I do not want to go to these events but I merely mean to say that the combination of the whole load of them seems to be just, in fact; an OVERload. I know even if one has a line of fun events queued up, it can be tiring and actually in the long term, potentially remove the 'fun-ness' of it all. Not that I only have fun events, what with the two tests coming up for MCB and Genetics but I think even in an ideal world where there is a mountain load of fun, the word 'fun' itself loses its meaning. I'm just hoping to get through the next few weeks unscathed. Even now, I find it so difficult to concentrate, sit down and study. It seems that I haven't as yet recovered from my holiday phase which is actually quite worrying because if I don't buck up, I'm going to see the consequences very soon. So anyone out there... give me some motivation and tips for a longer span of concentration? I'm in DIRE need of it.

Plus, I think I need to create boundaries for myself. It seems now to me I am getting very consumed with one aspect of my life and I need to find my balance again. As Buddha did say, "always choose the middle path", I have to find that middle again because I am swaying off the side of the cliff and any moment now and I will just tip off it. I hope dad passes me those prayers soon because I think it will help me to pray a bit everyday. To be honest, over the holiday I have felt a need to connect myself more spiritually which has never really occurred to me before. I am a Buddhist but not a particularly active one even if I do believe. Maybe it is because I can feel myself moving off the track that I need to seek comfort in something larger than me, larger than my life. Anyways, I have spent enough time procrastinating (again) and should get back to glycolysis or glycogenesis or whatever they are called.

Toodles!

sometimes your 1st scars will never fade

I miss Bangkok - I want to go home.

Or maybe I am running away from the responsibilities that seem to be binding me to the unwanted. Can I construct a hideaway and crawl inside it? Blind myself and close my senses to this frightening world? Will the waves sweep me away and wash me to a deserted island without the need of human interaction?

It doesn't help that I am listening to all my Thai songs again and reminiscing of life back there. I thought I wouldn't be one of those people pining for home but I guess I can't help this instinctual feeling. Maybe it isn't home I am missing but the knowledge that I can get by from day to day without having to really be alive. I like living in a semi-vegetative state where all I have to think about is how to get from the morning to the evening without feeling bored. I'm hating MBC and am actually wondering whether I will survive the course. I don't feel any motivation to study anymore. Can I just go back home? I never even intended to ever studying Medicine so why am I even considering it? I couldn't give a damn about the road not taken at this moment in time.

Don't rain on me when I am soaked. Soaked to the skin.

Köln-ing~ (part 1)

Hello peeps!

I figured I would blog while the memories are still fresh in my mind of the last weekend I spent in Düsseldorf. It was a brilliant one - one I don't think I will forget for sometime simply because I haven't done so many new things in the span of 2 days before. As I blogged in my previous post, I went to Köln for the Saturday and then had the football game on Sunday. Add to that a couple of pitchers of beer and learning some crazy Fortuna Düsseldorf football songs and you can get some kind of picture of what it was like. LOL :) So Saturday, I woke up relatively early so I could grab some breakfast from REWE before heading to the main station to meet up with Katerina. We had planned to meet at platform 15 at around 10.50 so that we could catch the train at 10.58 to head to Köln where we would meet Michael. Michael was another intern that was writing his master thesis at Cognis but he had actually finished 2 Fridays earlier. He is from Köln so he was our default 'tour guide' for the day~

So the first thing we see when we step out of the station is the HUGE Köln Dom! And it really is humongous. Apparently people say that if you were to take photos from whichever part of the city skyline, you will always get some part of the Dom inside the photo which is incredible. Now, according to Michael, there has been no point in time when the Dom has not had some part in construction because they are always doing reparations to it. So on the day we went, there was a big green scaffold covering one side of the building. But I have to say I didn't expect the structure itself to be so black. And its not like cool black but that dirty black you get from the pollution of cars or whatever like on flyovers or the side of bridges. Not pretty, but I guess the majestic design itself allows people who go and visit the Dom to excuse that part of the building. There were so many people there and I have to admit, the most number of Asians I have seen accumulated in one spot since I have arrived in Europe. I had to stop myself from pointing out at these faces when I saw them - really.. I was that excited! Haha~

We decided to climb up the Dom because I guess that is what everyone does when they go there. In total there are 509 steps and the steps itself are the ones which wind themselves up in a cylindrical shape where the diameter itself is tiny. I would even suggest that at times it was a bit claustrophobic because the same set of steps are used to go up and down so when you are jostling with people, attempting not to miss a footing and pressed against the wall, it doesn't help if you are scared of small spaces. It is also a bit daunting when you can hear the sounds of people's heavy breathing as you climb up the stairs. But we did it!! In the end when I reached the top, I was sooooo hot that I had to take off my jacket. And I was on the top of the Köln Dom in my t-shirt surrounded by all these farang wrapped up in their winter clothes at like 4 degrees Celsius! Lol - that was super funny! I took some photos so you guys could see some aspect of what it was like.

Katerina, Michael and I just before heading into the Dom.

The top of the Dom is actually covered in fences made of wire like these so its difficult to take photos of the surroundings, not that we could anyway because of it was crazily foggy that day!

One of the spires of the Dom.

Actually if you walk around the whole platform the entire place is covered in white out or white pen ink which people have used to ink their names saying something like "Jack and Rachel '97". So all of us were disappointed that we didn't think to bring our own white-out to ink our names onto the fungi-like growth of graffiti! We could have written "Katerina, Michael, June 06/02/10" Haha - we had some really crazy jokes up there! There was this one about a coffee machine but I don't think if I explain it, you guys will understand it because I guess its more like an 'in-the-situation' kind of joke. But we were drunk of laughter while coming down the stairs and our laughs got all echo-ey~~

After the Dom experience we walked along the Rhine and the popped into a coffee shop to have some cakes and coffee before we headed off to the main shopping street in Köln. And you could actually see and feel the difference between Köln and Dusseldorf because of the vast numbers of people that were shopping there. It felt almost like Siam Square on a Saturday which was like woah for me. But dammit.. all that smoking outdoors! I think I'm going to be choking out smoke myself soon - its really bad here and I don't particularly like it but it goes with the territory I guess. We didn't shop but just walked through to get the atmosphere of what it was like. We then headed to the grounds of the university where Michael studies at. Coming from Melbourne Uni, where the grounds space is limited it is so crazy to see all these huge pieces of land of just grass. We walked through this huge park where the students have their barbecues and play their football games in the summer. Our South Lawn now seems soo puny compared to what I saw that day.

After all that walking we decided to go to this student area where apparently is a road which is comparative to Bolkerstrasse in Dusseldorf. But it was still a bit too early for that area and none of the pubs were opened so we asked a shopkeeper where we could find a brewerie and he told us the locations and names of 4 big ones and off we headed to find us some beer. Haha~ Katerina was particularly excited to try out the beer that originates from Köln which is called the Kölsch. It is more golden in colour compared to the beer that originates from Düsseldorf which is called the Alt beer which is darker, even almost brown. After tracking down one of the breweries we entered its rotating door and it was like entering a different world. There were already so many people in costume because it was the weekend before Karnival. The types of costumes was superb! I saw a bee, devils, ducks, pirates, leprechauns, hippies.... haha - it was quite a scene. And the people dressing up weren't the young ones, these were people like in their 50s and 60s. Hoho~~ so funny :) So yeah.. we got downed a couple of beers had some food and then basically just headed back to the main station. I was dead-tired by the time I reached my room but looking forward to the football game on the next day.

Argh... I want to continue blogging but I think I will have to make the next one a part 2~ Haha - feeling a bit lazy now~ I'll continue on with Sunday's events tomorrow or something! :)

yellow ribboned Heinemann boxes

Hi guys!

Lol~ lemme finish my piece of chocolate first... Omg~ it is so good! I bought a box of chocolates to share with my colleagues from this famous bakery in Düsseldorf called the Heinemann Confiserie/Chocolatier. The box was a small white one with about 16 chocolates or 20 chocolates inside and they came in pairs of different varieties. Wow... serious, mind explosion because the taste is crazily heavenly. The first one I tried had like peanut butter taste and omg.. if you know me and my crazy love with peanut butter *ahem, ahem* then you know that I loved, loved, loved this one :) Hehes~ the others were great too but the funny part was that there wasn't that usual pamphlet or booklet inside the box to tell you what the chocolates contained. I guess it makes it more mysterious that way XD

Haha... its now 4.21 pm in the office and I thought I would blog now because tomorrow, I don't think I will have the opportunity because I'll be going to Köln to check the place out. Its another city near Düsseldorf and it takes about a 30 minutes train ride from the main station in Düsseldorf to reach the main station there. Apparently the station there is right near the famous Köln Dome which is the one you see in all the photographs and postcards. It will be awesome to see it up close I guess but I have heard that the pictures don't show the reality because its juxtaposed with some really dodgy places.. Hhhmmm~~ I'll have to see it to see what he really meant by that. I'm also going to check out this Schokolade Museum which I guess you guys can guess is the Chocolate Musuem :) Lol, this post seems to be all about chocolate *not intentional I promise* Apparently you can buy chocolate there which you don't normally get. Still, seeing liquid fountains of chocolate will please me enough! I'm going to see whether I can pick up some stuff from Köln as souvenirs because my search so far hasn't been that successful. All my colleagues here tell me that Köln is "more alternative" which I'm not sure what they meant by that... but I'm getting the idea its more like Melbourne compared to Sydney (if you need a comparison)~

What else... oh yeah! I'll be going to a football game on Sunday with the gang from the office~ Fortuna Düsseldorf against Duisburg. Its like a merseyside derby because the cities are so close but I heard that the stadium is seriously packed for this game. First live football game in a stadium... I wonder how that will go~ We'll be meeting at the Schumacher (pub? I guess) to down some drinks first, maybe it will help numb me against the cold! I promise though... no more full bottles of wine?? (>.<) Especially if my supervisor is going with us! I don't know.. but it reminds me of that time at Culture One and I saw some of my teachers dancing crazily to all the electro funk music. And... the worse part is that during my most recent trip back to visit my school, one of my favourite teachers, actually brought it up in the conversation T_T. He's like "the last time I saw you was I think at Culture One" and I went "errr... yeah~ *embarassed*" rofl. Funny stuff :)

I'm going to have to go soon because I am having dinner with my dad's colleague's family. I have met the wife and him once before but I haven't met their children. I'm wondering whether they will be there since it is a Friday night after all. And then after that, we will be going to the Apollo Variete Theater which is suppose to be showing some kind of magic-mystique show. Sounds interesting!! Totally down my lane :) I'm actually a bit tired and all and I'm not sure I can get through the night without yawning a bit, which isn't really a good sign. Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping well, or sleeping enough or what not. Oh well~ another late night and early start tomorrow~ Last weekend in Düsseldorf and then next Friday I will be flying back to Bangkok!! Sweet ol' hot krungthep~~ :) hehes~

Anyways, bye for now! I'll update when I can.

P.S. why do all those famous bloggers like to go "wtf". Does it make the blogpost better? Should I do it? Lol. T_T

serenity in the midst of a whirling thunderstorm

A photo which I took yesterday on the way to a dinner with an old friend of my dad's. I was stunned by the setting sun and the way it made the clouds look absolutely blissful to watch. And check out the knobby trees which are found all over the city. Cute huh? I wish I could catch more moments like this.

p.s. click on the photo for a larger view :)

cold and wet, yet still updating my blog...

You know there is something really wrong with the guy who has more profile photos on his facebook than you have.... make that nearly 80 photos.. omg... seriously?? How much more into yourself can you be? We learn new things everyday.

Yesterday, I saw a HUGE bird that suspiciously looks like the crow but I'm thinking probably isn't. It is twice the size of an average Klang crow.. maybe even 3 times the size. I kid you not. It was humongous. I thought it would freaking attack me! Haha - but the best part is that because it is so massive in terms of its mass and what not, it doesn't really fly very high. More like around 20 cm above the ground. It is weird seeing a bird of such a size just skimming over the road. And the fact that it is black doesn't help it if a car comes around the corner has smacks head on with it. Imagine bird's innards on display all over the front of your car window. Not a pretty sight - although I guess it would be interesting from a medical perspective. Which reminds me... I've been watching Season5 of Grey's Anatomy over the past week and wow wow wow wow wow..... Sheperd gives Meredith a kidney... in a JAR!! How come no one does that for me?? Argh.. she can have it on her bedside table and when they turn the light off, it GLOWS! How awesome is that??? Damn.... that would be the ultimate best present! But the amount of fat that surrounds kidneys always makes me think of some kind of kidney bean weighing down a ton of cotton candy. Lol - trust me to put it in terms of food T_T~

Yup, yup... SO anyways update update. Erm.. this weekend I shall be going to Essen. Going with another intern :) Her name is Katharina and shes amazing mate! Haha, we'll be doing something like a small road trip down? up? there and just checking out the area around with the culture stuff and what not. I'll finally get to take some photos! I think? Lol - don't know how it will look yet but I shall report back after the weekend :) First things first though... have to get a jacket that isn't blue because the football game I will be going to see next weekend will be a merseyside derby between fortuna dusseldorf and duisburg which is basically the next closest city. And... Duisburg wears the blue jersey... which means, far out - if there is a blue jacket on me... haha... mati dy~ T_T so hopefully tonight when I get off work, boleh search for a jacket at H&M~ Hehes.. ok lah, need to go do work ;) see ya amigos later!

muffin monster:::

Haha. I was researching for my presentation for work today when I came across this:

So poor thing right??

I mean I have never really thought about it but it could be so true! It just explains why that new trend in Melbourne with all those new "cupcake" stores ONLY sell cupcakes... and not muffins. Oh my, I feel for you poor muffins - you, in the Betty Crocker Ready Mix box instead of being sold in those upperty-dupperty boutique shops where people's noses and fingers are constantly against the glass, pointing out "how cute that one looks" or "how pretty the colours of icing on the other one are". It must be tough living that kind of life. Always being plain Jane in front of the fancy little iced decoration that is so adored by the general population.

But don't worry - I don't complain... I am not a muffin-ist or a cupcak-ist. I will eat BOTH of you because I have no qualms whatsoever! Fear not oh muffin :D I would eat you ANYday~ whether it be a sunny day, rainy day, cloudy day, snowy day *haha.. i can add this one now!* or even just a normal day. I could write odes to muffins, poems to muffins, sing to muffins.....

Oh god, I'm going crazy. Why is the experiment taking so long??? I'm going crazy here fantasising about muffins because I have to wait for butter and water to separate T_T... Anyways, hope you liked my stupid random thoughts! I might just write that poem to the muffin if I do end up that bored. Back to real research now! XD

Cheerios!

and i go *poof!*

It's the weekend before I reach my 3 week anniversary in Dusseldorf and I'm psyched that I have survived so long! Ok - to be honest, the 6 weeks here sounded horrendously long when I first started out especially when I didn't know anyone, didn't know the place and last but certainly not least, couldn't speak the language. So far, I have accomplished 2 out of those 3 things and in my defense, learning any language is hard - not just German. Sincere apologies for sounding like a chicken (>.<) But on the bright side I have explored the city a little, seen some of the sights even in the middle of winter, some days with snow, some without and can even successfully get from the youth hostel to work and back everyday without getting lost! Actually about that... you see, normally there are 2 trains which I can take to get to work which is the U 74 and U 77, either to Holthausen or to Benrath and these are the same trains I take back to get into the city center area. And these 2 trains usually have an in-between time of about 8ish minutes, so waiting for the next one isn't such a biggie. It was worse in the beginning when I was getting used to the cold weather and all I could think was "where the hell is that god-damn train?" but now it isn't as bad especially if my earphones are plugged in and all I can hear is Cao Ge or Owl City's newest album *on a side note... I LOVE THIS ALBUM!!! you have to listen to it.. the album name is Ocean Eyes*. But one night I left work pretty late and didn't realise that the frequency changed depending on the time of the day which I guess makes perfect logical sense to people who are always using public transport but for a public transport virgin like me, its so foreign. I have to admit that in Melbourne I am kind of pampered because from Uropa, I can pretty much take any tram to where I want to go because I mostly head to the city or Flinders, and all of them pass by that route - so yeah, I have almost nil experience of being a public transport person. In Bangkok, I only use the BTS to go to the dentist and to the shopping areas and sometimes to school which already is like once in a purple dotted, pink striped moon. I am so "katak di bawah tempurung" on all these stuff :) Anyways, back to the story, when I checked the times on the board I saw that the next train (U 77 or U 74) will be in 20 or so minutes and I was like "WHAT!!" literally.. Ok - more like.. wtf.. but you know - censored stuff XD The only other way I could reach the city earlier was if I decided to go on one of the street trams instead of the trains which was kind of foreign to me because I didn't know what kind of route it took and where it went and all that. But I checked the table on the board and one of the stations was labelled "Steinstraße" which is the station I usually get off on the train. So feeling like taking a risk, I hopped onto the 701 street tram and hoped to heavens high that I would arrive at some place I actually recognise. The first few stations were all good, because they were the ones that the trains past by as well until we reached a fork in the road and the street tram turned the corner. Haha - after that I was seriously so so so so so so lost - I didn't recognise anything or any place! And the worse part was that I saw this whole load of Germans who got onto the tram and then get off after 2 or so stations because they realised they didn't recognise where they were going as well. Talk about freaking me out T_T~ But in the end, I got off at the station I intended to get off at even if I didn't recognise where I was. Panic did set in for sometime until I saw something like the U-Bahn sign which is a white capital U set in a light blue background in the distance (which is the sign for the train). I figured that if I entered the station I would know where I am at and if worse comes to worse, I could take the train to the next station which was also walking distance back to my place.

All in all, I did arrive back home after suffering severe shocks wondering whether I would make it back home. I really don't like that feeling though when you feel so lost it isn't funny anymore. So to say that I was relieved when I got back to a place I recognised would probably be an understatement. Hehes - so nowadays before I go out in the weekends I'm avidly checking google maps and drawing out mini maps on my notebook which I could show you guys when I get back. Google maps is my official saviour, plus it lists all the important stuff on the map like the 2 bookstores which sell english books as well as this famous chocolatier/dessert shop called Cafe Heinemann XD


As you see, it is the stuff that totally matters! :) Weirdly enough I have not had a Starbucks drink since I have arrived in Dusseldorf. Hhhmmmm, maybe it is time to change this record :) I did change my 'no shopping for clothes and other not so necessary stuff' record yesterday though - a slight shopping spree that I still cringe a little thinking about it. But I finally got a pair of converses after living in mid-calf high boots for 3 weeks. I really think that isn't healthy - and the boots are really heavy, I feel like I'm doing weights each day after walking around with them. Even in HK, when I got them from Tsim Sha Tsui area, walking around with it in a bag was knackering! Together with the shoes, I got 2 blouses from Zara (haha - old habits die hard! I have gotten clothes from Zara in all the countries I visited this summer hols ^^) and 2 books to keep me awake on the train when I go to work each morning XD So successful shopping trip? I would think so~ I think my dad wouldn't say it in those terms though T_T oopsie daisies~ In our defence, not shopping is like going against the laws of nature for girls - its like going against Darwin's theory of evolution. Lol - oh yeah, on that note.. there is some news that I read recently that actually suggests that Darwin may have been wrong and that Lamarck may actually have been partially correct on his giraffe prediction. If that is true, wow, it will just cause whole foundations of theories to fall through. Scary thought much....

Still on the bright side, I received word that the bags and the notepads for Orientation is ready! Yay!!!!!! :) Hehes - Super psyched about that :) I hope it came out as well as I expected it to~ Will have to see whether I can get photos sent to me :) *does happy dance* Haha - not literally, my roommate will think I've gone insane if I really did do some dance moves T_T I mean, she is a professional ballerina.. so not the best idea! But that is the only part of the whole CMG thing that I am happy about now because I don't since yesterday, some kind of gloom has set over me whenever I think of the club. I really shouldn't be this depressed about it but I don't know.. my heart feels heavy when my thoughts pass through that way - not a good start to a year that hasn't even really started. Damn! Hate this... 幸せ時間を思いたい I don't even know whether my 日本語 is correct~ Haha :) nvm

I can't even put a title on this

My heart is heavy as I feel the weight on my shoulders, the end of the long day pushes on me. I want to lie down and forget it all but it is only a momentary rest; I only put off the inevitable. I wish to doze off and sleep soundly, hoping to wake up and realise it was a dream but I know deep down that all these are lies to myself. It won't be the same without you for sure and I'm afraid to understand what life will be back in Melbourne when you are no longer around. It's the echoes of memories that will be around the corner as we pass the street we joked at, took photos at, and simply goofed around. There will be times you wonder as to how such a large imprint has been left onto our lives, just merely knowing someone for a relatively short time. I don't know what I fear the most, either what has happened or what will come. I think it is the fear of the future that creates a cold sweat.

In this international society where meetings and departures occur so frequently it shouldn't come as a shock any longer, but it nevertheless hurts to know that time, that constant moving facade, will pass and we will stay as stagnant beings - our lives too short to have even understood what the true meaning of time is. And as we look down into the abysmal and dark setting around us, with the light to our backs - will we really have lived life as it was meant to be lived? Or have we mocked ourselves into believing that we have lived on the edge, and experienced all that was available to us. The faces that we see everyday may very well be the faces that we pass on the street; infallible, unrecognisable, and incomprehensible. I wish to be happier and this moment. I wish I could say that tomorrow will be a better day but at this point, I cannot. The truth is harsh - facing up to it is harsher. When will we escape this cruel cycle? When will we live for the day?

on second thoughts......

I don't know what to blog about. It's like a mental block that forms each time I make up my mind to update this so-called diary of mine~ But I mean who really wants to know what you ate for lunch or what you plan to eat for breakfast? It's like telling people every minute, every second of your life which I guess if you had the wit and the humour to write about it without people realising that these aren't probably the best topics in the world, then you have surpassed the amateurs and have entered the professional league. I confess that I wouldn't even dream of being able to do that simply because I don't believe my life is exciting enough or warrants enough attention for people to bother about it: which has led me to the final conclusion that why should I personally bother about it if others aren't going to. This could be purely a superficial concept of mine but I think it resonates throughout everyone. Humans were not born to be hermits. We are, by nature, social creatures. This is why when we are young, we find cliques in schools, groups which we can associate with. I mean, how else would you explain what-I-would-call the "school canteen phenomena"?

Let me elaborate. Picture yourself... there is that 13-year old kid, fresh out of middle school and into the BIG school. Your uniform is crisp and clean and it is the first day of school. Having survived the first few classes of the day, you feel ok - it wasn't as bad as you expected and you seemed pretty confident now that you have survived those few hours. But then comes the lunch bell - everyone rushes to get their lunch at the canteen and the tables start to fill. You grab your tray, ladle out your food on your plate (whether it is a mountain of food or not, I'll leave it to your imagination) and start to move towards the seating area. For just one moment in time, that time before you have found your group of friends sitting in the crowd, you panic. You have a slight nauseous feeling and you freak out a bit - 'what if you have to sit alone? what if you have no place to sit? what if you have to sit with seniors?' All these kind of questions pop up in your head until just at the last minute before you pull a 180 and scram out of the doors, you see a familiar face and peace is restored in the world once more.

I don't know whether this example resonates with you but I feel that even from a young age we are given a feeling of safety and reassurance simply by sticking with the same group all the time. This is something we repeat over and over again whether we are in our teens, our 30s, our 50s... time itself does not play a role here which is why every time we move or make a drastic change to our social bearings, we experience what I would imagine a fish does when it is pulled out of the water. Why do I bring this up? Well - oddly enough I have experienced this exact same thing when I started work this month. Frankly, I don't know why it should be so awkward for me when I have had many of these experiences in my life already: in Bangkok when I first entered in Year 4, when entering high school, when entering Senior Studies and finally when I entered uni. Maybe it is because each time we are removed from our normal surroundings, we are forced to acclimatise and undergo something like a social reconditioning. It makes it a ton worse if you don't know the culture and you are afraid of doing something wrong, or something out of place. I mean, who wants to have the label "FARANG" on their forehead just because of some small gesture or mannerism?

This probably explains why in the first few days I was here and having lunch with my colleagues, my eyes were darting around the table always checking to see what is right, or what seemed to be the status quo. Haha - extremely weird as it may be, I think that most of us who experience these kind of circumstances do it automatically. For example, I have realised that like the cars on the German road which have the driver's seat on the left side of the car, the pedestrians or people walking on the streets also have a tendency to walk on the right side of the road when passing others. This was so weird for me because in Asia, it is the opposite way round but it is something I do instinctively without realising which is why when I came here, I could only feel the difference. Who knew that driving on the road actually affected the way people walk on the sidewalk? But I am rambling - there is actually no point to this post except to put my thoughts down onto 'paper' or so that you can see what crap actually fills my head. I have a lot of time to think nowadays especially with the 10 minute walks to the train station, the 30 minute ride on the train to work and the 15 minutes walk from the front gate to the building I work at. It must come to no surprise then that I think a lot. I have actually compiled a small collection of what facebook statuses I could post just from thinking during these short walks. I'll post it up next time - although why you would want to see the dribble that I come up with.... :) Till then! Tschüs! XD

Guten Tag!

Hehes~ Hallo! I'm in Germany! To be more precise, I'm in my room, looking out on the snowy rooftops of the buildings near mind in Kolpinghaus (where I'm currently boarding) in Dusseldorf. It was snowing this morning but it seems like it has stopped but even so I think I'm going to be having a lazy Sunday afternoon in. Just to give you a taste of what the picture is like....



Yup! First time I've seen snow so its a pretty big deal for me. I don't know where I read in one of those horoscope things for 2010 but it said I will be 'going on a trip' which I guess in a way turned out quite true. This trip to Germany will be a milestone for me in many ways. First, I am truly away from the family which is new for me even if I have been to uni overseas but since I have been living with my brother, you could almost say I chose the safe option. Secondly because there is a HUGE language barrier here which I will force me to learn something at least! Did you know? There are about 2 bookshops in Dusseldorf with English books which I guess is mind-blowing especially for someone who survives on books the whole time. But worry not peeps, I did bring some books to tide me over this period! Or not I swear I will be English starved for these 5 weeks or so~ I'll be so gaunt! Haha but its ok, it's all in the experience.

So where to start? Haha - the first day here was a crazy one when I got settled into the youth hostel which although isn't a fantastic place is pretty livable and best of all, quite cheap. Sure, I would love to have an ensuite bathroom but c'est la vie :) I'm sharing the room with a girl from Japan. Her name is Erina and she's here to study ballet for about a year. She arrived in October and will be staying until July I believe but at the moment, I'll be in the room alone as she has flown to Vienna for a few days and will only be arriving back on the 17th Jan. Yup! That means the whole room is here at my expense - although to be honest I don't believe I'll be using it much especially with early starts like waking up at 6.30 for work. Like seriously.. I head out to work in the dark and by the time I get back from work.. it's dark already. I'm missing my sunshine!! It's hard for a girl from Bangkok! I'm losing my vitamin D by the minute! Of course, it doesn't help that I'm in a room all day~

The public transport system is a maze I tell you! I was making this comment to my dad just yesterday. On the most non-existent level of public transport systems lies KL which has such a small range of stops, you really don't get to go anywhere without using a car. Next comes Bangkok with its MRT and BTS which is relatively ok but enough to get around the city. I guess with the planned extensions it will be even better but so far, its pretty mediocre with only 2 lines on the BTS. The next one up is HK's MTR system which is *pretty* extensive with all these lines running over both Kowloon and HK island. The number of stations there can really "do" one's head in and its seriously a challenge remembering the name of the stations! Although for those who grew up there *ahem* its like breathing air! Haha but yeah... I thought that was bad... until I came here and saw... this:

Complicated or what? Ahaha - I think I almost fainted after I saw this! Lol - and the stops aren't even really labelled as stops, just simply thicker white lines on the coloured lines. It's pretty I guess with all the colours but at close-up... haha~ crazy stuff! Thankfully I have learnt enough to get me to work, to get from work which is located at Holthausen, quite further down south from where I live which is near the Alstadt area. Oh - I also was introduced to several asian groceries and restaurants in the (I guess what could be considered as the) Asian quarter of Dusseldorf on Oststraße. Good stuff!! They even have 'yau char kway' there! Hehes :)

OK lah ... I think I have written enough for today~ Feeling like eating some of my Bengawan Solo biscuits that I brought over~ :) I'll update more later! Tschüs!! XD

2010::: here we go!

Hey guys! Long time no see (X_X).... Yes, yes - its a long overdue update to this blog. I'll have to clean off the cobwebs and start of anew because as you all know a new year has started and 2010 has taken off its hand and begun its twirly dance. As I listen to Mika's latest album (The Boy Who Knew Too Much) I'm thinking of how to lay out this post in the best way possible; hopefully in a way that prevents any one of you from pressing the "X" button before you've read through to the end. Well, today marks a crossroad in my life because tomorrow night at midnight I will be flying off to Dusseldorf, Germany via Vienna and starting a small but new chapter in 2010. For 6 weeks I will be diving into the research labs, in the hope of feeling what it is really like in the world of the 'working people' and gain a better understanding of what "biocatalysis in the field of fats and oils" actually means. Well that is my idealistic, whimsical view on what I'm hoping to do but don't worry I will be hoping to tell you guys the full and "could be" dreary truth when I have the chance to during those 6 weeks.

Already, the craziness has started with my packing today..... Oh gawd, packing is NOT good especially packing for a climate of which I have no experience with WHATSOEVER (T_T). And the weather reports show that the average over the next few weeks will be around 0 degrees. Seriously, if I find the winter in Melbourne already a bit cold, I don't think I'm going to be able to use my brain much only because it will be on a permanent brain freeze without the consumption of any slurpies~ Which you know forbids good news for an intern who already has no clue what she will be doing there.... plus the fact she is sure that her brain has turned into mush as soon as she had walked out of the REB's grand doors after the last stats exam. I don't actually think I have packed enough but I'll have to deal with it when I reach there I guess. I'll be sharing with another person in a youth hostel around a 15 minutes train ride away from the office's headquarters which should be an experience by itself because I have never really had a roommate before not counting all those residentials where you know who you are staying in a room with. Hopefully everything will work out fine with that :) I checked out some photos online and they don't look too bad - they kind of remind me of Unilodge for some reason so I guess it isn't too much a stab in the dark! Gosh, I sound so pampered but the truth is I probably have led quite a sheltered life. Haha - now's the time to step out of my comfort zone!!

Ok.. seriously.. knowing that I have almost zilch knowledge of German freaks me out! It's going to be bad.. I know it - I can feel it in my bones~ (I feel it in my fingers, I feeeel it in my toes!) But what can one do except futilely struggle in the hopes that maybe I'll learn a sentence or two. Sorry in advance to my 'German teacher' in Melbourne, lol - I don't think I will be of much use in conversing to when I get back [T.T] Gomennasai-ne!! XD

Lol - I'm feeling lazy to blog now... Aiks - and I still havent even started talking about what I did during New Years in.... guess it??? Hong Kong!!!! XD whee~~ I was soooo excited with that trip, I kid you not! And then once I have had tasted the egg-tarts from Tai Cheong, I felt the whole trip satisfied! Haha - of course not lah....I'm not so superficial, but it was partially satisfying! I got to meet Sherman and Yoyo there as well plus the visiting CMGians: Shermayne, CK and Wei Chi. So.... I obviously have a lot to blog about! Oh, oh.. and I got boots! Like seriously, I am in [LOVE] with this pair of boots which I have got - it looks kind of military and chunky but androgynous as well~ I'm finding my inner tom-boy! Lol XD ok... going to rewatch Full House now! Night nights little ones! :)

P.S. Thought I'll just do the lazy thing and pop in some photos from the HK trip~ XD

doing the whole movie starwalk avenue thingamajjig~ :) posed with Bruce Lee too! XD But I forgot to do his signature pose (T.T)

At Times Square, posing with this cool bear which from what I learnt, is a famous character from a series of children books :) So na rak though! XD

Eating some goodies whilst walking around! I didn't get to take a photo of the pudding we ate that night though... it was HEAVENLY~~~ XD

Egg tarts, egg tarts, egg tarts... need I say more??? It's not the famous one but the colour in the photo looked too great to not post it up! XD I could lie in egg-tart clouds anyday! XD Haha