straight ::: up

Crazy, crazy nights. There are things about crazy nights because as fun as they are at that moment in time, why is it that on those days after, we cringe at the thoughts of the incredibly crazily stupid things we did then? Alcohol-induced thoughts are so susceptible to thoughtless acts I think there should be a graph out there showing its positive correlation. Repeating words, saying things that don't make sense, doing things you wouldn't do sober, falling down, laughing hysterically are all signs of a big night out but when you think about the fall-backs experienced the day after, whether be that the embarrassment that accompanies it or the throbbing ache in your head - is it worth it? I haven't as yet come to this conclusion but I am guessing with the vast majority of uni students experiencing it over their weekends, or heavens forbid, weekdays, there must be some kind of answer. Even if it is a subjective one.

My days coming up in March seem to be packed with events and things I should be doing and going for. When I decided to update my diary calendar today, I was pretty shocked to see that the page was considerably full with times, dates and short descriptions of what the events were. Don't misinterpret me into thinking that I do not want to go to these events but I merely mean to say that the combination of the whole load of them seems to be just, in fact; an OVERload. I know even if one has a line of fun events queued up, it can be tiring and actually in the long term, potentially remove the 'fun-ness' of it all. Not that I only have fun events, what with the two tests coming up for MCB and Genetics but I think even in an ideal world where there is a mountain load of fun, the word 'fun' itself loses its meaning. I'm just hoping to get through the next few weeks unscathed. Even now, I find it so difficult to concentrate, sit down and study. It seems that I haven't as yet recovered from my holiday phase which is actually quite worrying because if I don't buck up, I'm going to see the consequences very soon. So anyone out there... give me some motivation and tips for a longer span of concentration? I'm in DIRE need of it.

Plus, I think I need to create boundaries for myself. It seems now to me I am getting very consumed with one aspect of my life and I need to find my balance again. As Buddha did say, "always choose the middle path", I have to find that middle again because I am swaying off the side of the cliff and any moment now and I will just tip off it. I hope dad passes me those prayers soon because I think it will help me to pray a bit everyday. To be honest, over the holiday I have felt a need to connect myself more spiritually which has never really occurred to me before. I am a Buddhist but not a particularly active one even if I do believe. Maybe it is because I can feel myself moving off the track that I need to seek comfort in something larger than me, larger than my life. Anyways, I have spent enough time procrastinating (again) and should get back to glycolysis or glycogenesis or whatever they are called.

Toodles!

sometimes your 1st scars will never fade

I miss Bangkok - I want to go home.

Or maybe I am running away from the responsibilities that seem to be binding me to the unwanted. Can I construct a hideaway and crawl inside it? Blind myself and close my senses to this frightening world? Will the waves sweep me away and wash me to a deserted island without the need of human interaction?

It doesn't help that I am listening to all my Thai songs again and reminiscing of life back there. I thought I wouldn't be one of those people pining for home but I guess I can't help this instinctual feeling. Maybe it isn't home I am missing but the knowledge that I can get by from day to day without having to really be alive. I like living in a semi-vegetative state where all I have to think about is how to get from the morning to the evening without feeling bored. I'm hating MBC and am actually wondering whether I will survive the course. I don't feel any motivation to study anymore. Can I just go back home? I never even intended to ever studying Medicine so why am I even considering it? I couldn't give a damn about the road not taken at this moment in time.

Don't rain on me when I am soaked. Soaked to the skin.